I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
