I need to stop coming to work sober
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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