the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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