Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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