You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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