Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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