so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
