I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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