His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
