so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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