soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
