Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize