I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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