the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
