The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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