yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
