In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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