I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
