I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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