It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
