All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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