I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
