Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
