my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
