This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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