oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
