I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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