Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
