At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
