I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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