we have pet lesbian snakes
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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