My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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