I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
