dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you will always have a special place in my vag
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
