just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
