Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
