Kiss
Puke
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
