well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I will pee on everything he values.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
