I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
