my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
