I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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