Your dad touched me again.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
