Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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