he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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