I wish I could punch you in the face.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
