he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
