he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
