She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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