I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
