It's Friday. Sex?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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