I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
