Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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