I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
