i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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