I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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