When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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