i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
