I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
