Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
