Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
