In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
